2023 Royal Rumble Recap

 

Good morning! The 2023 Royal Rumble has come and gone, but it was a blast. I feel like the right people won (which is to say, I guessed every match correctly but so did everybody else.) But a lot happened, and I feel like I should write about it. My coffee mug is full, I’ve got the replay on the TV, and only me and my doggo Ditka are awake so let’s get to it.

Men’s Royal Rumble Match

My guess - Cody Rhodes - WE WERE ALL RIGHT

The show opened - after an introduction by musician Hardy and the return of announcer Pat McAfee - with the men’s rumble match, which might be the first time that’s happened. At the end of the day, it was probably the right call, as it allowed the ending of this match to have time to breathe and exist separately from the big show ending angle. Some notes from the match:

• Gunther starting at #1 and Sheamus at #2 was a nice callback to their incredible match at last year’s Clash at the Castle event. Both men had a great showing, with Gunther lasting the entire match and Sheamus teaming up with Drew McIntyre to run roughshod over several other superstars.

• Brock Lesnar going from possible winner to an early exit by way of Bobby Lashley was a good story beat, and Lesnar really sold the hell out of it. At first he kinda laughed it off, but he quickly devolved into a violent outburst, yeeting half an announce table into the ring, smashing the steel ring steps into the rest of said table, and murdering Baron Corbin before he was able to enter the ring. Lashley got some redemption after Brock’s surprise return on Monday and hopefully these two get a chance to lock horns at WrestleMania.

• Rey Mysterio never entered the match, and we were led to assume his boy Dom murdered him before he came out. In past Rumbles, that would have led to a surprise entrant taking his spot, but this year WWE just kinda blew him off.

• On that note, Prison Dom continues to be a revelation. His heel work continues to be top notch, and putting him into the match before Balor and Priest entered to back him up led to some great chickensh*t heel stuff. The complete no-sell of his punches by Sheamus was some good stuff. I guffawed!

• I still haven’t learned the new theme songs for everyone, which makes it kinda weird when I need to wait for a graphic or a camera switch to show who’s coming in next. That’s more on me than WWE, but I do miss a lot of the catchier tunes, especially Johnny Gargano’s and Ricochet’s

• Speaking of Ricochet, that spot where he and Logan Paul just launched at each other from opposite sides of the ring and crashed midair was incredible! And nasty!

• Gunther facing Cody Rhodes as #1 and #30 in what was essentially a full one-on-one match to end the Rumble was amazing. It made Gunther look like a superstar and he lost nothing by getting eliminated by a fresh Cody.

• WWE has said that they were comfortable announcing Cody’s return in the Royal Rumble because they had enough other surprises. The only surprise entries in the men’s rumble were Booker T, Edge, and Logan Paul. I’m fine with the Cody thing, but I’m beginning to think we’re running out of big surprise returns, either due to past superstars aging out or wrestlers signing with the competition

• The Street Profits probably deserved better, as did Kofi Kingston. One of those men was done in by either fate or a faulty chair, but the Profits could use a nice run before they eventually split or challenge for the titles again. Kofi posted a pretty melancholy thing after the rumble, implying maybe he’s ready to move on from wrestling after his crash-landing.

All in all, I really enjoyed this Rumble match! It had a lot of fun spots, more highs than lows, very few lulls in the action, and an incredible match-within-a-match to wrap it up. 

Bray Wyatt versus L.A. Knight (YEAUH) in a Mountain Dew © Pitch Black © Match

My guess - I don’t know what this is but probably Bray - SURE, THAT WAS A WIN

So this was … well, it was weird. But it was short, and it looked pretty cool. The blacklights were used effectively, even though my little viewing group was convinced that it wasn’t actually Bray during his entrance. In hindsight, he probably had about four pounds of makeup caked onto his face so it would properly register on camera. 

The actual match was quick and concise, with Bray dominating and getting a pinfall win. Afterward, Bray donned a creepy mask and stalked L.A. Knight to a little stage. Uncle Howdy appeared above them and dove onto (well, near) Knight, exploding them both as the Firefly Funhouse guys watched. 

Like I said, weird. It feels like another example of Bray being indulged rather than reigned in, but I like the weird stuff so I’m probably willing to give it a longer leash than most. Still, it would be nice if we went somewhere with this, eventually.

© Bianca Belair versus Alexa Bliss for the Raw Women’s Championship

My guess - Belair retains - NEVER IN DOUBT

This was short, too! And from what I was told, it was supposed to be a bit longer but we had to cut it for time so we could get a mini-concert from Hardy. Still, it was Bianca dominating, winning with the KOD and a pin, and some spooky stuff from Uncle Howdy to Bliss afterward. I feel like this would have made more sense after the Bray match, but maybe Uncle Howdy exploded and he’s just gone forever? WHO’S TO SAY?

Women’s Royal Rumble Match

My guess - Rhea Ripley - I WAS RIGHT

While it wasn’t better than the men’s rumble - and it could be, don’t get me wrong - this was a definite improvement over last year’s rumble. 

• Rhea was always going to win - while I made the case for a couple different endings in my head while watching the men’s match, I could never see any other entry in this match getting the victory. She performed admirably, entering at #1 and had some creative rest spots, like reclining on top of the ring stairs while action flowed around her. 

• The middle of the match was dominated by Damage CTRL, which just doesn’t seem to be working for me still. I really like both King Kota and IYO, but this group hasn’t done much to make me love or hate them since their debut. I hope they move on soon.

• The addition of a handful of NXT women was a marked improvement from just throwing the usual handful of Divas into the match. Zoey Stark, Roxanne Perez, and Indi Harwell all looked like they belonged in the ring, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see Stark or Hartwell on the main roster soon. I’d love Perez as well but she’s currently holding the NXT championship.

• I liked Michelle McCool’s return, but it seemed a little weird for commentary to say that she wasn’t expecting to join the match until her music played. If you’re a pro wrestler, do you have to attend every show in full ring gear on the off chance that your music will play and you’ll be compelled to enter the ring, abandoning your children in the process?

• Nia Jax’s return was botched by an uncharacteristic production error that played her theme before the #30 countdown. We were sure it was some kind of surprise entrant crashing the party, but nope, just a mistake. It was fine, as Nia made up for it by being just as good in the ring as she was when she left the company. That is not a compliment.

• Asuka’s return in her Kana persona was dope as all hell. She was an intimidating force already, but adding that twist to her return was a great call and the fans ate it up. She also indirectly helped Rhea get the win, as her mist, well, missed and blinded Liv Morgan, who went wire-to-wire along with Rhea until a head scissors from Ripley ended her run and the match.

(c) Roman Reigns versus Kevin Owens for the Undisputed WWE Championship

My guess - Roman retains - OF COURSE

Not their best outing, but that was never the point. Owens got some offense in, but the usual combination of a ref bump and a punch to the junk was enough to put Roman firmly in control for the back half of the match. The two slams onto the ring steps looked really nasty, especially that first one. 

The post-match developments were what solidified this going on last. After a brief celebration with the Bloodline, Sami - who up until that point didn’t really get involved in the match - was nearly offered a lei but Roman interjected. He wasn’t done with Owens, and after Paul Heyman offered up some handcuffs (which he said he’s always got on him - WTF, Paulie?) Owens was shackled to the ring ropes and attacked. After eating what seemed like dozens of superkicks and a barrage from Solo Sikoa, Roman was about to start in with some chair shots. That was enough for Sami to step in between his Tribal Chief and his longtime friend. His logic, that Owens was done and the attack was beneath him, was delivered passionately and was probably the best way to get Roman to stop, by appealing to his sense of superiority. 

That move led to Roman offering the chair up to Sami, and Roman verbally laying into the honorary Uce. He got right up in Sami’s face, trivializing Sami and Kevin’s relationship and forcing Sami to choose between the family he so desperately wanted to be a part of, and the one he would have to destroy for that to happen. After a beat, Sami did the thing we’ve been waiting for and swung the steel chair - right into Roman’s back. The inevitable superkick was his reward, and the image of Sami left laying next to Owens, unconscious but still attached to the ring ropes, was incredible. 

During the attack on Zayn, however, Jey Uso couldn’t bring himself to take part. He rolled out of the ring, heartbroken, and left both Owens and Sami and his Bloodline. THAT was a wrinkle I didn’t see coming, and I’m grateful that it happened even though it left me with more questions than answers.

With the Road to WrestleMania underway, and Elimination Chamber coming up in Sami’s hometown of Montreal, there are a number of interesting options for WWE. Will Sami take on the Head of the Table? Will he team up with KO? Or Jey? WHO’S TO SAY? All I know is I’m here for it, I’m excited, and I’m looking forward to Monday night.

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Have a great Sunday, enjoy the NFL Conference Championships today, and have a fine rest of your week!